Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I'm starting to realise that there's a lot about me that I don't like.
In times of stress, I eat junk. Crap, crap, crap. Processed food, chocolate, sweets and alcohol. When I'm more balanced, then so is my diet.
I also hate my approach to personal relationships. I am so gung-ho. If someone shows the least bit of interest, then in my mind that's it forever. Picket fence, dogs and so on. I must appear so incredibly needy and clingy.
I hate that I'm like this. I honestly don't know what I can do to change.
In times of stress, I eat junk. Crap, crap, crap. Processed food, chocolate, sweets and alcohol. When I'm more balanced, then so is my diet.
I also hate my approach to personal relationships. I am so gung-ho. If someone shows the least bit of interest, then in my mind that's it forever. Picket fence, dogs and so on. I must appear so incredibly needy and clingy.
I hate that I'm like this. I honestly don't know what I can do to change.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
This update short and bitter - I guess that's the opposite of short and sweet...
Actually I'm not feeling bitter really - just stating a fact. My state of mind is somewhere between being slightly fed up and marginally bored.
It's the morning after Mardi Gras. I'm sure all over Sydney friends old and new are either sleeping or carrying on to the next load of fun and frolics. Good for them. Not all of us do that. I certainly used to, but it seems my life has moved away from that lifestyle, and whilst I don't always miss it, on days like these I'd like to feel at least a little more part of it. The people I've hung out with over the last few years are either out, out of town, out of my friend loop or out of their gourds. :) Not a single person has been in touch with me today, and that realisation that I'm not a priority for anyone hurts a bit. I haven't spoken to other people as I know mostly they are out and about spending time with different friends or significant others. I've kind of fallen through the cracks. I used to fit in. Or at least more accurately I made more of an effort to be a part of it all. Now I don't, and I'm realising how quickly one gets forgotten.
As I said, not bitter - just how it seems right now. OK, off for a walk. :)
P.S. And after the walk, can I just say that on the one weekend of the year when I'm meant to feel 'a part of it all', I've never felt so alone and removed from it all. Bed soon. Things'll be better after some sleep.
Actually I'm not feeling bitter really - just stating a fact. My state of mind is somewhere between being slightly fed up and marginally bored.
It's the morning after Mardi Gras. I'm sure all over Sydney friends old and new are either sleeping or carrying on to the next load of fun and frolics. Good for them. Not all of us do that. I certainly used to, but it seems my life has moved away from that lifestyle, and whilst I don't always miss it, on days like these I'd like to feel at least a little more part of it. The people I've hung out with over the last few years are either out, out of town, out of my friend loop or out of their gourds. :) Not a single person has been in touch with me today, and that realisation that I'm not a priority for anyone hurts a bit. I haven't spoken to other people as I know mostly they are out and about spending time with different friends or significant others. I've kind of fallen through the cracks. I used to fit in. Or at least more accurately I made more of an effort to be a part of it all. Now I don't, and I'm realising how quickly one gets forgotten.
As I said, not bitter - just how it seems right now. OK, off for a walk. :)
P.S. And after the walk, can I just say that on the one weekend of the year when I'm meant to feel 'a part of it all', I've never felt so alone and removed from it all. Bed soon. Things'll be better after some sleep.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
And verily it became March. Autumn in Sydney is one of my favourite times, and I can already feel a little more of a chill in the air in the mornings and evenings telling me it's on the way :)
I failed to remain free of vices for February. Garry whom I use to live with here came over for a visit and it seemed churlish to stay sober so I didn't. Along with Muz we had a scream of a night and it was well worth the sacrifice.
In other news there's not a great deal to report. School is fun but hard work as always. I have a busy month ahead as I need to finish all my programming for school and also finish off my professional accreditation. Head down Dave! And no, sadly not in that way...
I've almost given up on the apartment hunting. Things seem to be getting more expensive by the second, and the exchange rate is working against me for bringing some cash over from the UK. We'll see. But don't hold your breath.
I've been hanging out with a couple of new people, which is great. However one in particular I quite like but they don't want a relationship and so it remains a little bit weird and a challenge. It's also a bit strange at the moment as everyone else is caught up in Mardi Gras madness, whereas I'm at home working on school stuff. It's not even that I want to do the Mardi Gras stuff. I'd just like to have someone to not do it with.
That'll do for now. Don't expect much in the way of updates til my birthday day - which also coincides with the end of term and the Easter break. Til then... :)
I failed to remain free of vices for February. Garry whom I use to live with here came over for a visit and it seemed churlish to stay sober so I didn't. Along with Muz we had a scream of a night and it was well worth the sacrifice.
In other news there's not a great deal to report. School is fun but hard work as always. I have a busy month ahead as I need to finish all my programming for school and also finish off my professional accreditation. Head down Dave! And no, sadly not in that way...
I've almost given up on the apartment hunting. Things seem to be getting more expensive by the second, and the exchange rate is working against me for bringing some cash over from the UK. We'll see. But don't hold your breath.
I've been hanging out with a couple of new people, which is great. However one in particular I quite like but they don't want a relationship and so it remains a little bit weird and a challenge. It's also a bit strange at the moment as everyone else is caught up in Mardi Gras madness, whereas I'm at home working on school stuff. It's not even that I want to do the Mardi Gras stuff. I'd just like to have someone to not do it with.
That'll do for now. Don't expect much in the way of updates til my birthday day - which also coincides with the end of term and the Easter break. Til then... :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Lunar New Year!
It's almost halfway through February and time for an update methinks. Almost 6 weeks since my last blog entry, and even that wasn't really an update, more a summation of the year just past. So, what's been happening?
The school holidays came to an end in a fun way. I went to Brisbane to celebrate Muz's 40th birthday and had a cracking weekend. It was great to meet the remainder of Muz's family and spend some time up there without a care in the world. Much beer, much fun.
Then back pretty much straight away to school. I'm teaching a Year 1 Extension class this year, so it's going to be a bit of a challenge. So far, so good. I'm one of only two teachers in the school that doesn't have an interactive whiteboard this year which is a bugger, but I do have aircon in the demountable that I'm in, and that's been very useful since we've gone back! I've got a nice class, even though some of them are a bit out there in that way that very clever kids can be.
I've given up caffeine, alcohol and sweets/chocolate for February. Halfway through and it's OK. I managed it last year and went on to do 3 months alcohol-free later in the year so I know I can do it quite happily. In other news I've been referred to a shoulder surgeon to get a date for an op to fix my SLAP tear. I'll know more once I've met with him, but when it's done I'll have my arm in a sling for between 2-5 weeks. Not looking forward to that, but am looking forward to some 4-5 months later when the shoulder has full range of movement and I can gym and tennis again. I'm going to start running again in the meantime otherwise I'll turn into a complete slob.
Still on the lookout to buy a flat, but still not seen anything quite right... and everything is so very, very expensive. Sigh. Let's see how it goes.
Right. Meant to be doing some work hence this update :) Back to it. Oh hold on, it must be lunchtime!!
It's almost halfway through February and time for an update methinks. Almost 6 weeks since my last blog entry, and even that wasn't really an update, more a summation of the year just past. So, what's been happening?
The school holidays came to an end in a fun way. I went to Brisbane to celebrate Muz's 40th birthday and had a cracking weekend. It was great to meet the remainder of Muz's family and spend some time up there without a care in the world. Much beer, much fun.
Then back pretty much straight away to school. I'm teaching a Year 1 Extension class this year, so it's going to be a bit of a challenge. So far, so good. I'm one of only two teachers in the school that doesn't have an interactive whiteboard this year which is a bugger, but I do have aircon in the demountable that I'm in, and that's been very useful since we've gone back! I've got a nice class, even though some of them are a bit out there in that way that very clever kids can be.
I've given up caffeine, alcohol and sweets/chocolate for February. Halfway through and it's OK. I managed it last year and went on to do 3 months alcohol-free later in the year so I know I can do it quite happily. In other news I've been referred to a shoulder surgeon to get a date for an op to fix my SLAP tear. I'll know more once I've met with him, but when it's done I'll have my arm in a sling for between 2-5 weeks. Not looking forward to that, but am looking forward to some 4-5 months later when the shoulder has full range of movement and I can gym and tennis again. I'm going to start running again in the meantime otherwise I'll turn into a complete slob.
Still on the lookout to buy a flat, but still not seen anything quite right... and everything is so very, very expensive. Sigh. Let's see how it goes.
Right. Meant to be doing some work hence this update :) Back to it. Oh hold on, it must be lunchtime!!
Monday, January 04, 2010
2009 in review
Here are some of the things that were good and bad for me in 2009 – across all aspects of life!
Favourite album: Junior – Röyksopp. I could not stop (and still am) playing it. Always one for electronic music this has the right combination of vocal and instrumental tracks, and enough interesting songs and arrangements to keep hearing something new.
Favourite single: The Girl and the Robot – Röyksopp. I’ve always been a sucker for space opera type singles and this has the lot – operatic vocals and a robot – duh! Honourable mentions go to On My Own Again – Kleerup; Bulletproof – La Roux; Stuck On Repeat – Little Boots; Your Disco Song – Vitalic.
Favourite ‘rediscovered’ track: It’s a tie! Well there’s one rediscovered and one discovered as although it’s an oldie I only really found it last year. Rediscovered: Supernature (William Orbit Mix) – Erasure. I want this to be my set opener at about 4am when I finally realise my dream of being a DJ. Discovered: First Hand Experience of Second Hand Love – Giorgio Moroder. Still sounds fresh and relevant today, some 30 years on.
Best mix: Other than my own Minkered Mix 8, the winner has to be the Automatic Lovers’ Mix – Little Boots. The mixing itself is patchy in parts, but what a fantastic bunch of tracks!
Best live gig: The Human League. Having not seen them the first time round, it was great to finally see them live – and not only once but twice. At the V Festival they played Dare in its entirety which is one of the most influential albums ever for me. At the Metro they did a greatest hits gig that had us singing and dancing in the aisles. Perfect! Honourable mention goes to Grace Jones at the Enmore. Who knew a 64 year old woman could still mix it with the best of ‘em?
Favourite musical guilty pleasure: Either Shewolf (Calvin Harris Remix) – Shakira or I Left My Heart In Tokyo – Mini Viva.
Favourite movie: Can’t for the life of me remember going to see anything. I’m sure I did. Both GI Joe and Transformers 2 were fantastic in their improbability. I also really enjoyed AstroBoy.
Favourite TV show: Probably Being Human on the ABC, or Dollhouse.
Favourite music blog: So Hip It Hurts – knowledgeably written by someone who has the same musical tastes as me.
(This stolen from meme at Muzbot) Song lyric that sums up the year?: “No one’s singing songs for me” The Girl and the Robot - Röyksopp. Enough said.
Best career moment: Being made permanent at school after applying and being interviewed for the job was up there, but there were two other moments that make it all worthwhile. Firstly a boy from my class last year came to read to this year’s class because he wanted to show me how well he could read now. Secondly a child telling me he’d made no mistakes on his work because he just wanted to make me happy. Tears in my eyes!
Best holiday moment: Spending time back with Dad in the UK. He was fit enough for us to go for a couple of day trips and we both really enjoyed it. Also Helsinki with Sue, Julia and Stevie P – interesting place, wonderful people, my time for me within the trip home. Edifying in every way.
Best personal achievement: Two things here, one relatively minor, one a bit more major. Playing tennis again has brought me so much pleasure, and it’s with huge disappointment (and a sore shoulder) that I start 2010 unable to play until I know whether or not I need an operation to fix a SLAP tear in said shoulder. In May though, I ran my 4th half marathon. I knocked an impressive 12 minutes off my PB, and a full 20 minutes of the previous year. I trained hard and deserved the result.
Best social event: probably Sunday arvo beers with Muz. I did that more than anything else last year which is a good indication of how much fun it can be.
Area to improve upon: Procrastination. Say no more. This is a review of 2009 and it’s already 4 days late.
Thanks to all my family, Muz, Adrian, Gary and Peter, Bobby and Marc for their friendship and support over the year. Let’s see what 2010 brings – if I can improve as detailed above, you might just get a list of things I’m hoping for up on here very soon!
Here are some of the things that were good and bad for me in 2009 – across all aspects of life!
Favourite album: Junior – Röyksopp. I could not stop (and still am) playing it. Always one for electronic music this has the right combination of vocal and instrumental tracks, and enough interesting songs and arrangements to keep hearing something new.
Favourite single: The Girl and the Robot – Röyksopp. I’ve always been a sucker for space opera type singles and this has the lot – operatic vocals and a robot – duh! Honourable mentions go to On My Own Again – Kleerup; Bulletproof – La Roux; Stuck On Repeat – Little Boots; Your Disco Song – Vitalic.
Favourite ‘rediscovered’ track: It’s a tie! Well there’s one rediscovered and one discovered as although it’s an oldie I only really found it last year. Rediscovered: Supernature (William Orbit Mix) – Erasure. I want this to be my set opener at about 4am when I finally realise my dream of being a DJ. Discovered: First Hand Experience of Second Hand Love – Giorgio Moroder. Still sounds fresh and relevant today, some 30 years on.
Best mix: Other than my own Minkered Mix 8, the winner has to be the Automatic Lovers’ Mix – Little Boots. The mixing itself is patchy in parts, but what a fantastic bunch of tracks!
Best live gig: The Human League. Having not seen them the first time round, it was great to finally see them live – and not only once but twice. At the V Festival they played Dare in its entirety which is one of the most influential albums ever for me. At the Metro they did a greatest hits gig that had us singing and dancing in the aisles. Perfect! Honourable mention goes to Grace Jones at the Enmore. Who knew a 64 year old woman could still mix it with the best of ‘em?
Favourite musical guilty pleasure: Either Shewolf (Calvin Harris Remix) – Shakira or I Left My Heart In Tokyo – Mini Viva.
Favourite movie: Can’t for the life of me remember going to see anything. I’m sure I did. Both GI Joe and Transformers 2 were fantastic in their improbability. I also really enjoyed AstroBoy.
Favourite TV show: Probably Being Human on the ABC, or Dollhouse.
Favourite music blog: So Hip It Hurts – knowledgeably written by someone who has the same musical tastes as me.
(This stolen from meme at Muzbot) Song lyric that sums up the year?: “No one’s singing songs for me” The Girl and the Robot - Röyksopp. Enough said.
Best career moment: Being made permanent at school after applying and being interviewed for the job was up there, but there were two other moments that make it all worthwhile. Firstly a boy from my class last year came to read to this year’s class because he wanted to show me how well he could read now. Secondly a child telling me he’d made no mistakes on his work because he just wanted to make me happy. Tears in my eyes!
Best holiday moment: Spending time back with Dad in the UK. He was fit enough for us to go for a couple of day trips and we both really enjoyed it. Also Helsinki with Sue, Julia and Stevie P – interesting place, wonderful people, my time for me within the trip home. Edifying in every way.
Best personal achievement: Two things here, one relatively minor, one a bit more major. Playing tennis again has brought me so much pleasure, and it’s with huge disappointment (and a sore shoulder) that I start 2010 unable to play until I know whether or not I need an operation to fix a SLAP tear in said shoulder. In May though, I ran my 4th half marathon. I knocked an impressive 12 minutes off my PB, and a full 20 minutes of the previous year. I trained hard and deserved the result.
Best social event: probably Sunday arvo beers with Muz. I did that more than anything else last year which is a good indication of how much fun it can be.
Area to improve upon: Procrastination. Say no more. This is a review of 2009 and it’s already 4 days late.
Thanks to all my family, Muz, Adrian, Gary and Peter, Bobby and Marc for their friendship and support over the year. Let’s see what 2010 brings – if I can improve as detailed above, you might just get a list of things I’m hoping for up on here very soon!
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, December 06, 2009
OK. It's been a while. Term is nearly at its end, and I'm kind of trundling along again, with no real joy or purpose. In short:
2 weeks til the end of term. I've been tentatively confirmed to teach Year 2 next year.
I'm carrying some injuries at the moment, which is frustrating the hell out of me. I'm due for an MRI on my shoulder a week on Tuesday. The shoulder thing is now causing me to hold my head and neck differently and I now have really bad pain in my jaw. I haven't been running and I feel a bit useless and fed up with all of that going on. Grrr.
Socially and romantically - nothing doing. I'm actually really not looking forward to the school holidays on a social front. Not sure what I'm doing for Christmas but New Year is fortunately sorted out - a party round the corner which is perfect. However almost 6 weeks of just me and my own company is a bit scary at the moment, but I'm not feeling sociable so it's a bit of a catch 22. I'm sure I'll work something out. Not going away as I'm trying to save to buy an apartment.
More news as it happens. But honestly I'm ready for this year to be over. Surely next year has to be better?
2 weeks til the end of term. I've been tentatively confirmed to teach Year 2 next year.
I'm carrying some injuries at the moment, which is frustrating the hell out of me. I'm due for an MRI on my shoulder a week on Tuesday. The shoulder thing is now causing me to hold my head and neck differently and I now have really bad pain in my jaw. I haven't been running and I feel a bit useless and fed up with all of that going on. Grrr.
Socially and romantically - nothing doing. I'm actually really not looking forward to the school holidays on a social front. Not sure what I'm doing for Christmas but New Year is fortunately sorted out - a party round the corner which is perfect. However almost 6 weeks of just me and my own company is a bit scary at the moment, but I'm not feeling sociable so it's a bit of a catch 22. I'm sure I'll work something out. Not going away as I'm trying to save to buy an apartment.
More news as it happens. But honestly I'm ready for this year to be over. Surely next year has to be better?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
OK. First stage of redesign complete. I just wanted something quick and easy that would signal the changes ahead. Also, the latest mix now lives in the RHS bar for your delight and delectation :)
There'll be more tweaks as I get more confident with all of this - after all this thing has been going for 8½ years with only a few licks of paint. HTML has come a long way since then and I no longer work in the internet field.
So. Essays to come. :)
There'll be more tweaks as I get more confident with all of this - after all this thing has been going for 8½ years with only a few licks of paint. HTML has come a long way since then and I no longer work in the internet field.
So. Essays to come. :)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
It's been a while. Again.
Time for a few changes I think. As it happens I have a few days off school before I fly to the UK - pneumonia will do that for you. So, I'm thinking redesign to kick things off, and then as I hit 44½ in a week and a half it might be a good time to disect this minkered life.
A series of essays will follow, bemoaning or bigging up where I'm at with various aspects of me - who I am, what I do, who I do it with. Why I do it. There'll hopefully be some plans to address some of the stuff I'm not 100% happy with. I think it might make interesting reading, but it's more for me than you.
Self-centred self-analysis much? :)
Time for a few changes I think. As it happens I have a few days off school before I fly to the UK - pneumonia will do that for you. So, I'm thinking redesign to kick things off, and then as I hit 44½ in a week and a half it might be a good time to disect this minkered life.
A series of essays will follow, bemoaning or bigging up where I'm at with various aspects of me - who I am, what I do, who I do it with. Why I do it. There'll hopefully be some plans to address some of the stuff I'm not 100% happy with. I think it might make interesting reading, but it's more for me than you.
Self-centred self-analysis much? :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Trialling a widget to play the latest mix...
... and if you like it you can download it here.
Follow the links for the free user and I think you have to wait about 30 secs for the link to appear. Enjoy!
... and if you like it you can download it here.
Follow the links for the free user and I think you have to wait about 30 secs for the link to appear. Enjoy!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Two weeks on since the last post. Some progress at least... well it's holidays.
The last week of term went pretty uneventfully in the end, though the talk in the staffroom is starting to drive me mad. Lots of pregnant women makes for dull discussion, and the one male, younger teacher has left so not even anyone to sound other ideas off. Anyway. Two weeks break from that might help the old perspective.
This last week has been interesting. A mate David from the UK arrived on Monday and it's been great having an old friend here. Kind of illustrates what's lacking on my current social scene in a lot of ways, but also reiterates me to why I live here as Sydney has managed once again to show herself off as an amazing city. David left today and although I was meant to head out tonight I've stayed in with good food, wine and telly and I feel good about that.
Something else is going on that I'm less sure about. I'm entering into an emotional exchange with someone that I've never met, though that will shortly change. Already I'm wondering whether I'm just setting msyelf up for disaster. It doesn't feel that way, but it's a double-edged sword. So I'll wait. Like I always do. And see.
The last week of term went pretty uneventfully in the end, though the talk in the staffroom is starting to drive me mad. Lots of pregnant women makes for dull discussion, and the one male, younger teacher has left so not even anyone to sound other ideas off. Anyway. Two weeks break from that might help the old perspective.
This last week has been interesting. A mate David from the UK arrived on Monday and it's been great having an old friend here. Kind of illustrates what's lacking on my current social scene in a lot of ways, but also reiterates me to why I live here as Sydney has managed once again to show herself off as an amazing city. David left today and although I was meant to head out tonight I've stayed in with good food, wine and telly and I feel good about that.
Something else is going on that I'm less sure about. I'm entering into an emotional exchange with someone that I've never met, though that will shortly change. Already I'm wondering whether I'm just setting msyelf up for disaster. It doesn't feel that way, but it's a double-edged sword. So I'll wait. Like I always do. And see.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
It's July. It's nearly the end of term. I'm exhausted.
Just finished our assembly performance with the kids yesterday and we were all knackered. The kids did a great job though and should be suitably proud. The parents loved it and the other teachers were impressed too. I can relax now til the end of term.
This weekend though is already filling with disappointment. Part of that is probably me still, and my attitude of everything being flat. Part of that might be the lack of alcohol too, creating less opportunities for me to go out and have fun with mates it seems. But I spent today wandering around by myself, hoping for people to get back to me about catching up. Queue tumbleweed.
The fact Wimbledon is on is a mixed blessing. Good in that it'll give me something to watch on telly tonight. The downside is that the courts are all booked up, so no tennis for Jamie and me this weekend. It looks like other possible get-togethers aren't going to happen either, so I guess I'll have to amuse myself.
I'm going to go for a run tomorrow, and then gym with Bobby later in the afternoon - both of which will help. I have got a niggling shoulder injury though, which is starting to get a bit annoying. Hopefully that will sort itself out soon.
I ended up going to bed this afternoon with tea and sudoku puzzles. If I'm finding a weekend hard to fill in the time with no mates around, how the hell am I going to amuse myself for the school holidays which start in a week's time? I'm over feeling so bloody lonely.
Just finished our assembly performance with the kids yesterday and we were all knackered. The kids did a great job though and should be suitably proud. The parents loved it and the other teachers were impressed too. I can relax now til the end of term.
This weekend though is already filling with disappointment. Part of that is probably me still, and my attitude of everything being flat. Part of that might be the lack of alcohol too, creating less opportunities for me to go out and have fun with mates it seems. But I spent today wandering around by myself, hoping for people to get back to me about catching up. Queue tumbleweed.
The fact Wimbledon is on is a mixed blessing. Good in that it'll give me something to watch on telly tonight. The downside is that the courts are all booked up, so no tennis for Jamie and me this weekend. It looks like other possible get-togethers aren't going to happen either, so I guess I'll have to amuse myself.
I'm going to go for a run tomorrow, and then gym with Bobby later in the afternoon - both of which will help. I have got a niggling shoulder injury though, which is starting to get a bit annoying. Hopefully that will sort itself out soon.
I ended up going to bed this afternoon with tea and sudoku puzzles. If I'm finding a weekend hard to fill in the time with no mates around, how the hell am I going to amuse myself for the school holidays which start in a week's time? I'm over feeling so bloody lonely.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Not even a week, and the next post is here.
I was wondering about compromise the other day. Well at least I think it's compromise. I wondered if I could have a relationship with someone who I didn't have really strong feelings for. I don't think I'm explaining this well so let me backtrack. A few times in my life I have met people and for want of a better phrase I've been consumed by them. I've felt so strongly about them that everything else has pretty much gone by the wayside except for them. It's ruined friendships and probably not been good for my mental health. I've let myself be controlled by them and the power they have over me, and it's done in my self-esteem. I become obsessed.
So I was thinking, maybe it's better that for my next relationship I don't go for someone like that. I 'settle' for someone else. Someone nice. Someone that ticks all the boxes but doesn't tip me over that obsession precipice. I'm sure a strong friendship would grow. I'm sure even love could grow. I might even enjoy it. But one thing stops me. I know that if I were in a relationship with a 'Mr Settled-for' and a Mr Obsession turned up, I'd leave the nice guy in a second. In spite of my integrity I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'm squirming even thinking about it because I hate that aspect of myself.
I was wondering about compromise the other day. Well at least I think it's compromise. I wondered if I could have a relationship with someone who I didn't have really strong feelings for. I don't think I'm explaining this well so let me backtrack. A few times in my life I have met people and for want of a better phrase I've been consumed by them. I've felt so strongly about them that everything else has pretty much gone by the wayside except for them. It's ruined friendships and probably not been good for my mental health. I've let myself be controlled by them and the power they have over me, and it's done in my self-esteem. I become obsessed.
So I was thinking, maybe it's better that for my next relationship I don't go for someone like that. I 'settle' for someone else. Someone nice. Someone that ticks all the boxes but doesn't tip me over that obsession precipice. I'm sure a strong friendship would grow. I'm sure even love could grow. I might even enjoy it. But one thing stops me. I know that if I were in a relationship with a 'Mr Settled-for' and a Mr Obsession turned up, I'd leave the nice guy in a second. In spite of my integrity I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'm squirming even thinking about it because I hate that aspect of myself.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Well it's the next post and I am over the cold - well pretty much. Except it turned out to be bronchitis and I ended up laid up off work for the best part of a week. So much for feeling so healthy after the half marathon. Anyway, I'm slowly getting back into the fitness regime after that, though I haven't actually run since the race. That's this weekend's job, along with some more tennis.
School seems just to be work, work, work at the moment. My program's due to be in to my boss; reports have to be finished by next week and I'm working on my class assembly item for the first week in July. I don't think I'll be out much this weekend to be honest.
As I mentioned in the last post, the no drinking thing has been interesting - and not in a particularly good way. No drinking leads to not feeling like going out, which (apparently) leads to less opportunities to catch up with mates. Which ends up feeling like I have less mates in general, as I've alluded to previously on here. I'm trying to convince myself that friendships are cyclical, and I'm in a building phase. I'm not doing that great a job on myself just yet.
In terms of meeting anyone that might turn out to be more than a friend, then cue tumbleweed. Lately I seem to be finding less and less people attractive to me, and also lately to a man they either are completely not interested or seem to lose interest very, very quickly. Not sure what's going on, but I'm not overly happy about it. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong vibes.
The last two situations combined are leaving me feeling increasingly lonely. I've considered moving into a shared apartment to possibly counter that feeling, but it's such a gamble at the moment as I don't have anyone I know that needs a flat share right now. So, I guess I just have to hang in there. With everything.
On a day to day basis I don't feel particularly depressed or miserable to be honest. Just flat. Everything just seems flat right now - and I'm not really sure how to counter that. Back to the drawing board I suppose.
School seems just to be work, work, work at the moment. My program's due to be in to my boss; reports have to be finished by next week and I'm working on my class assembly item for the first week in July. I don't think I'll be out much this weekend to be honest.
As I mentioned in the last post, the no drinking thing has been interesting - and not in a particularly good way. No drinking leads to not feeling like going out, which (apparently) leads to less opportunities to catch up with mates. Which ends up feeling like I have less mates in general, as I've alluded to previously on here. I'm trying to convince myself that friendships are cyclical, and I'm in a building phase. I'm not doing that great a job on myself just yet.
In terms of meeting anyone that might turn out to be more than a friend, then cue tumbleweed. Lately I seem to be finding less and less people attractive to me, and also lately to a man they either are completely not interested or seem to lose interest very, very quickly. Not sure what's going on, but I'm not overly happy about it. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong vibes.
The last two situations combined are leaving me feeling increasingly lonely. I've considered moving into a shared apartment to possibly counter that feeling, but it's such a gamble at the moment as I don't have anyone I know that needs a flat share right now. So, I guess I just have to hang in there. With everything.
On a day to day basis I don't feel particularly depressed or miserable to be honest. Just flat. Everything just seems flat right now - and I'm not really sure how to counter that. Back to the drawing board I suppose.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Well we're now 4 weeks into term, and it does indeed seem to be dragging its heels. Not sure why. Maybe coz it's not so much fun at school due to the odd atmosphere amongst the staff. My one male mate at school has just resigned which is a shame - a month til he leaves and then I'm alone with a staff room full of Estrogen. Also three of the women at work are newly pregnant so guess what the topic of conversation will be til the end of the year? I'm craving adult conversation, but not just conversation limited to cravings, names and hormonal swings.
Mind you... the hormone swings might explain my moods a little.
Last weekend was the half marathon - and as it turned out I had the run of my life! Not expecting to achieve my best-case scenario goal I did indeed make it, finishing in 1'39"46 which was 20 minutes up on last year and 10 minutes ahead of my previous best. Result! I was very happy with that. The split times were interesting too - I ran the second 10km just 8 seconds slower than the first and kept that same pace for the last 1.1km - consistency through the whole time. I finished in the top 25% of all racers, in the top third of all men and in the top third of men 40-44. Not bad at all, but wished I could have gone out to celebrate properly - this no alcohol lark is killing me!
I've had an easy week this week but have ended up coming down with a head cold which is really tiresome. Haven't felt like this for over a year and I forget how good it is not being sick.
Not much else to report. Socially nothing as I don't feel like going out when not drinking. Tennis continues. Gym continues. Life continues.
More news as it happens. Hopefully I'll be over this cold by the next post!
Mind you... the hormone swings might explain my moods a little.
Last weekend was the half marathon - and as it turned out I had the run of my life! Not expecting to achieve my best-case scenario goal I did indeed make it, finishing in 1'39"46 which was 20 minutes up on last year and 10 minutes ahead of my previous best. Result! I was very happy with that. The split times were interesting too - I ran the second 10km just 8 seconds slower than the first and kept that same pace for the last 1.1km - consistency through the whole time. I finished in the top 25% of all racers, in the top third of all men and in the top third of men 40-44. Not bad at all, but wished I could have gone out to celebrate properly - this no alcohol lark is killing me!
I've had an easy week this week but have ended up coming down with a head cold which is really tiresome. Haven't felt like this for over a year and I forget how good it is not being sick.
Not much else to report. Socially nothing as I don't feel like going out when not drinking. Tennis continues. Gym continues. Life continues.
More news as it happens. Hopefully I'll be over this cold by the next post!
Sunday, May 03, 2009
May. Already. I seem to have skipped April on here, which is annoying as I was trying to keep the archives monthly again. Oh well.
It's probably best I skip over April anyway. Not the best month. Birthday wasn't the best day, but not for turning 44 reasons. Had a fling, behaved like a bit of a twat - and whaddya know, the fling suddenly ended! I need to take a good long look at how I behave sometimes. And a bloke behaving like a character out of Desperate Housewives is not a good look. Anyway, file away under 'Things not to repeat next time'. Though next time seems far away right now.
Saw the Human League. Twice. (Though technically one of those times was in March). Fantastic.
School finished, with me miraculously getting the permanent job at the school. Go me.
Holidays. OK. Didn't do much. Tried to keep fit, but didn't eat well and due to some calf issues and being in a bit of a bad space re fling I didn't train as I should so half marathon won't be as good a time as I'd hoped. Did go to Tokyo for 3 days which was great.
And now term 2 has started. 10 weeks to go. But a long 10 weeks. Lots of stuff to do at work. I'm off the booze too. No fun for Davie til July.
That's all for now. Feels a bit like I'm treading water again - a cyclical theme for those that might still be reading from years back. Not unhappy, not really happy. Limbo.
Meh.
It's probably best I skip over April anyway. Not the best month. Birthday wasn't the best day, but not for turning 44 reasons. Had a fling, behaved like a bit of a twat - and whaddya know, the fling suddenly ended! I need to take a good long look at how I behave sometimes. And a bloke behaving like a character out of Desperate Housewives is not a good look. Anyway, file away under 'Things not to repeat next time'. Though next time seems far away right now.
Saw the Human League. Twice. (Though technically one of those times was in March). Fantastic.
School finished, with me miraculously getting the permanent job at the school. Go me.
Holidays. OK. Didn't do much. Tried to keep fit, but didn't eat well and due to some calf issues and being in a bit of a bad space re fling I didn't train as I should so half marathon won't be as good a time as I'd hoped. Did go to Tokyo for 3 days which was great.
And now term 2 has started. 10 weeks to go. But a long 10 weeks. Lots of stuff to do at work. I'm off the booze too. No fun for Davie til July.
That's all for now. Feels a bit like I'm treading water again - a cyclical theme for those that might still be reading from years back. Not unhappy, not really happy. Limbo.
Meh.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Nearly a quarter of the year has gone, nearly time for school holidays.
I'm back in that treading water/limbo place, where everyday seems to be about work or exercise. Which is OK. Socially things are slightly different. I feel like I've connected back with some mates where the connection had gone a bit stale. I still feel like something or someone is missing though.
I just want to get through the next two weeks and then relax. 8 more days of teaching. But before that, I've got planning to finish and three (count em, three!) job applications.
Which means it's time to get off here, and onto that stuff.
I love autumn in Sydney. I want it to love me back this year.
I'm back in that treading water/limbo place, where everyday seems to be about work or exercise. Which is OK. Socially things are slightly different. I feel like I've connected back with some mates where the connection had gone a bit stale. I still feel like something or someone is missing though.
I just want to get through the next two weeks and then relax. 8 more days of teaching. But before that, I've got planning to finish and three (count em, three!) job applications.
Which means it's time to get off here, and onto that stuff.
I love autumn in Sydney. I want it to love me back this year.
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