Monday, June 15, 2009

Not even a week, and the next post is here.

I was wondering about compromise the other day. Well at least I think it's compromise. I wondered if I could have a relationship with someone who I didn't have really strong feelings for. I don't think I'm explaining this well so let me backtrack. A few times in my life I have met people and for want of a better phrase I've been consumed by them. I've felt so strongly about them that everything else has pretty much gone by the wayside except for them. It's ruined friendships and probably not been good for my mental health. I've let myself be controlled by them and the power they have over me, and it's done in my self-esteem. I become obsessed.

So I was thinking, maybe it's better that for my next relationship I don't go for someone like that. I 'settle' for someone else. Someone nice. Someone that ticks all the boxes but doesn't tip me over that obsession precipice. I'm sure a strong friendship would grow. I'm sure even love could grow. I might even enjoy it. But one thing stops me. I know that if I were in a relationship with a 'Mr Settled-for' and a Mr Obsession turned up, I'd leave the nice guy in a second. In spite of my integrity I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'm squirming even thinking about it because I hate that aspect of myself.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Well it's the next post and I am over the cold - well pretty much. Except it turned out to be bronchitis and I ended up laid up off work for the best part of a week. So much for feeling so healthy after the half marathon. Anyway, I'm slowly getting back into the fitness regime after that, though I haven't actually run since the race. That's this weekend's job, along with some more tennis.

School seems just to be work, work, work at the moment. My program's due to be in to my boss; reports have to be finished by next week and I'm working on my class assembly item for the first week in July. I don't think I'll be out much this weekend to be honest.

As I mentioned in the last post, the no drinking thing has been interesting - and not in a particularly good way. No drinking leads to not feeling like going out, which (apparently) leads to less opportunities to catch up with mates. Which ends up feeling like I have less mates in general, as I've alluded to previously on here. I'm trying to convince myself that friendships are cyclical, and I'm in a building phase. I'm not doing that great a job on myself just yet.

In terms of meeting anyone that might turn out to be more than a friend, then cue tumbleweed. Lately I seem to be finding less and less people attractive to me, and also lately to a man they either are completely not interested or seem to lose interest very, very quickly. Not sure what's going on, but I'm not overly happy about it. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong vibes.

The last two situations combined are leaving me feeling increasingly lonely. I've considered moving into a shared apartment to possibly counter that feeling, but it's such a gamble at the moment as I don't have anyone I know that needs a flat share right now. So, I guess I just have to hang in there. With everything.

On a day to day basis I don't feel particularly depressed or miserable to be honest. Just flat. Everything just seems flat right now - and I'm not really sure how to counter that. Back to the drawing board I suppose.