Sunday, December 13, 2009

So much I'd like to say. So much I won't. Not a happy bunny generally at the moment. Wondering when it'll all end.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

OK. It's been a while. Term is nearly at its end, and I'm kind of trundling along again, with no real joy or purpose. In short:

2 weeks til the end of term. I've been tentatively confirmed to teach Year 2 next year.

I'm carrying some injuries at the moment, which is frustrating the hell out of me. I'm due for an MRI on my shoulder a week on Tuesday. The shoulder thing is now causing me to hold my head and neck differently and I now have really bad pain in my jaw. I haven't been running and I feel a bit useless and fed up with all of that going on. Grrr.

Socially and romantically - nothing doing. I'm actually really not looking forward to the school holidays on a social front. Not sure what I'm doing for Christmas but New Year is fortunately sorted out - a party round the corner which is perfect. However almost 6 weeks of just me and my own company is a bit scary at the moment, but I'm not feeling sociable so it's a bit of a catch 22. I'm sure I'll work something out. Not going away as I'm trying to save to buy an apartment.

More news as it happens. But honestly I'm ready for this year to be over. Surely next year has to be better?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

OK. First stage of redesign complete. I just wanted something quick and easy that would signal the changes ahead. Also, the latest mix now lives in the RHS bar for your delight and delectation :)

There'll be more tweaks as I get more confident with all of this - after all this thing has been going for 8½ years with only a few licks of paint. HTML has come a long way since then and I no longer work in the internet field.

So. Essays to come. :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

It's been a while. Again.

Time for a few changes I think. As it happens I have a few days off school before I fly to the UK - pneumonia will do that for you. So, I'm thinking redesign to kick things off, and then as I hit 44½ in a week and a half it might be a good time to disect this minkered life.

A series of essays will follow, bemoaning or bigging up where I'm at with various aspects of me - who I am, what I do, who I do it with. Why I do it. There'll hopefully be some plans to address some of the stuff I'm not 100% happy with. I think it might make interesting reading, but it's more for me than you.

Self-centred self-analysis much? :)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Trialling a widget to play the latest mix...

... and if you like it you can download it here.

Follow the links for the free user and I think you have to wait about 30 secs for the link to appear. Enjoy!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Two weeks on since the last post. Some progress at least... well it's holidays.

The last week of term went pretty uneventfully in the end, though the talk in the staffroom is starting to drive me mad. Lots of pregnant women makes for dull discussion, and the one male, younger teacher has left so not even anyone to sound other ideas off. Anyway. Two weeks break from that might help the old perspective.

This last week has been interesting. A mate David from the UK arrived on Monday and it's been great having an old friend here. Kind of illustrates what's lacking on my current social scene in a lot of ways, but also reiterates me to why I live here as Sydney has managed once again to show herself off as an amazing city. David left today and although I was meant to head out tonight I've stayed in with good food, wine and telly and I feel good about that.

Something else is going on that I'm less sure about. I'm entering into an emotional exchange with someone that I've never met, though that will shortly change. Already I'm wondering whether I'm just setting msyelf up for disaster. It doesn't feel that way, but it's a double-edged sword. So I'll wait. Like I always do. And see.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

It's July. It's nearly the end of term. I'm exhausted.

Just finished our assembly performance with the kids yesterday and we were all knackered. The kids did a great job though and should be suitably proud. The parents loved it and the other teachers were impressed too. I can relax now til the end of term.

This weekend though is already filling with disappointment. Part of that is probably me still, and my attitude of everything being flat. Part of that might be the lack of alcohol too, creating less opportunities for me to go out and have fun with mates it seems. But I spent today wandering around by myself, hoping for people to get back to me about catching up. Queue tumbleweed.

The fact Wimbledon is on is a mixed blessing. Good in that it'll give me something to watch on telly tonight. The downside is that the courts are all booked up, so no tennis for Jamie and me this weekend. It looks like other possible get-togethers aren't going to happen either, so I guess I'll have to amuse myself.

I'm going to go for a run tomorrow, and then gym with Bobby later in the afternoon - both of which will help. I have got a niggling shoulder injury though, which is starting to get a bit annoying. Hopefully that will sort itself out soon.

I ended up going to bed this afternoon with tea and sudoku puzzles. If I'm finding a weekend hard to fill in the time with no mates around, how the hell am I going to amuse myself for the school holidays which start in a week's time? I'm over feeling so bloody lonely.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Not even a week, and the next post is here.

I was wondering about compromise the other day. Well at least I think it's compromise. I wondered if I could have a relationship with someone who I didn't have really strong feelings for. I don't think I'm explaining this well so let me backtrack. A few times in my life I have met people and for want of a better phrase I've been consumed by them. I've felt so strongly about them that everything else has pretty much gone by the wayside except for them. It's ruined friendships and probably not been good for my mental health. I've let myself be controlled by them and the power they have over me, and it's done in my self-esteem. I become obsessed.

So I was thinking, maybe it's better that for my next relationship I don't go for someone like that. I 'settle' for someone else. Someone nice. Someone that ticks all the boxes but doesn't tip me over that obsession precipice. I'm sure a strong friendship would grow. I'm sure even love could grow. I might even enjoy it. But one thing stops me. I know that if I were in a relationship with a 'Mr Settled-for' and a Mr Obsession turned up, I'd leave the nice guy in a second. In spite of my integrity I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'm squirming even thinking about it because I hate that aspect of myself.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Well it's the next post and I am over the cold - well pretty much. Except it turned out to be bronchitis and I ended up laid up off work for the best part of a week. So much for feeling so healthy after the half marathon. Anyway, I'm slowly getting back into the fitness regime after that, though I haven't actually run since the race. That's this weekend's job, along with some more tennis.

School seems just to be work, work, work at the moment. My program's due to be in to my boss; reports have to be finished by next week and I'm working on my class assembly item for the first week in July. I don't think I'll be out much this weekend to be honest.

As I mentioned in the last post, the no drinking thing has been interesting - and not in a particularly good way. No drinking leads to not feeling like going out, which (apparently) leads to less opportunities to catch up with mates. Which ends up feeling like I have less mates in general, as I've alluded to previously on here. I'm trying to convince myself that friendships are cyclical, and I'm in a building phase. I'm not doing that great a job on myself just yet.

In terms of meeting anyone that might turn out to be more than a friend, then cue tumbleweed. Lately I seem to be finding less and less people attractive to me, and also lately to a man they either are completely not interested or seem to lose interest very, very quickly. Not sure what's going on, but I'm not overly happy about it. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong vibes.

The last two situations combined are leaving me feeling increasingly lonely. I've considered moving into a shared apartment to possibly counter that feeling, but it's such a gamble at the moment as I don't have anyone I know that needs a flat share right now. So, I guess I just have to hang in there. With everything.

On a day to day basis I don't feel particularly depressed or miserable to be honest. Just flat. Everything just seems flat right now - and I'm not really sure how to counter that. Back to the drawing board I suppose.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Well we're now 4 weeks into term, and it does indeed seem to be dragging its heels. Not sure why. Maybe coz it's not so much fun at school due to the odd atmosphere amongst the staff. My one male mate at school has just resigned which is a shame - a month til he leaves and then I'm alone with a staff room full of Estrogen. Also three of the women at work are newly pregnant so guess what the topic of conversation will be til the end of the year? I'm craving adult conversation, but not just conversation limited to cravings, names and hormonal swings.

Mind you... the hormone swings might explain my moods a little.

Last weekend was the half marathon - and as it turned out I had the run of my life! Not expecting to achieve my best-case scenario goal I did indeed make it, finishing in 1'39"46 which was 20 minutes up on last year and 10 minutes ahead of my previous best. Result! I was very happy with that. The split times were interesting too - I ran the second 10km just 8 seconds slower than the first and kept that same pace for the last 1.1km - consistency through the whole time. I finished in the top 25% of all racers, in the top third of all men and in the top third of men 40-44. Not bad at all, but wished I could have gone out to celebrate properly - this no alcohol lark is killing me!

I've had an easy week this week but have ended up coming down with a head cold which is really tiresome. Haven't felt like this for over a year and I forget how good it is not being sick.

Not much else to report. Socially nothing as I don't feel like going out when not drinking. Tennis continues. Gym continues. Life continues.

More news as it happens. Hopefully I'll be over this cold by the next post!

Sunday, May 03, 2009

May. Already. I seem to have skipped April on here, which is annoying as I was trying to keep the archives monthly again. Oh well.

It's probably best I skip over April anyway. Not the best month. Birthday wasn't the best day, but not for turning 44 reasons. Had a fling, behaved like a bit of a twat - and whaddya know, the fling suddenly ended! I need to take a good long look at how I behave sometimes. And a bloke behaving like a character out of Desperate Housewives is not a good look. Anyway, file away under 'Things not to repeat next time'. Though next time seems far away right now.

Saw the Human League. Twice. (Though technically one of those times was in March). Fantastic.

School finished, with me miraculously getting the permanent job at the school. Go me.

Holidays. OK. Didn't do much. Tried to keep fit, but didn't eat well and due to some calf issues and being in a bit of a bad space re fling I didn't train as I should so half marathon won't be as good a time as I'd hoped. Did go to Tokyo for 3 days which was great.

And now term 2 has started. 10 weeks to go. But a long 10 weeks. Lots of stuff to do at work. I'm off the booze too. No fun for Davie til July.

That's all for now. Feels a bit like I'm treading water again - a cyclical theme for those that might still be reading from years back. Not unhappy, not really happy. Limbo.


Monday, March 30, 2009

Nearly a quarter of the year has gone, nearly time for school holidays.

I'm back in that treading water/limbo place, where everyday seems to be about work or exercise. Which is OK. Socially things are slightly different. I feel like I've connected back with some mates where the connection had gone a bit stale. I still feel like something or someone is missing though.

I just want to get through the next two weeks and then relax. 8 more days of teaching. But before that, I've got planning to finish and three (count em, three!) job applications.

Which means it's time to get off here, and onto that stuff.

I love autumn in Sydney. I want it to love me back this year.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Things are better. No real reason, but things just feel as though they're on the up. That's a good thing.

Still exercising like a loon. Still working hard but feeling guilty about not working harder. Still in control of my diet. Less than 4 weeks to the Easter hols.

Better. :)

Sunday, March 08, 2009

I really should be asleep. Almost 11pm Sunday night - and school beckons in the morning.

Thing is, I'm in such a foul mood I can hardly bring myself to even bother to sleep. Actually no. Foul mood isn't right. I just don't care about much at the moment. Not school. Not having a social life. Least of all, me.

Work seems like a real chore and is hard. It feels like it's stopping me doing social stuff. I feel guilty if I don't do school work, so I stay in and resent staying in. And then don't do half the stuff I'd planned.

At the same time as resenting staying in, I don't really want to go out. I'm finding social interaction hard and shying away from it, and then bemoaning the fact my social circle is non-existent.

I'm still obsessing about and over-analysing things I cannot currently change.

Thank god for diet and exercise. At least there's something I can focus on and achieve right now (OK so I'm caring for me a little).

Since leaving school on Friday I've had two phone conversations. One briefly to say I wasn't going out and the other with my Dad, who called. I've seen one friend (well tennis partner rather than friend to be completely honest), to play tennis on Saturday night (when everyone else was getting ready for Mardi Gras). I had one text message (a general one asking for Toybox tickets); two Facebook conversations and a brief MSN conversation with my niece.

It's bad enough I have little non work related adult conversation through most of the week, but it seems like the weekends are becoming the same. I have no-one I can let off steam to, or even really just share what's happened on a daily basis. I have no partner; no flatmate and a seemingly dwindling number of close friends - most of whom are either partnered, becoming partnered or just becoming more distant (probably because of my social withdrawal). The number of close friends in Sydney? If I'm completely honest? 3. The number of really close friends in Sydney? 1.

I know a lot of that has been my steady distancing of people over time, whilst I've been involved with partners (and to be honest so have they). During the summer holidays I met some people out and about that I thought might become good friends. Turns out they were like most people that you meet out and about - they take from you on the night and the giving back part never seems to materialise. I wonder sometimes how I can still be so naive and foolish at the age of almost 44.

The thing is though, I've never lost that hope. That people will turn out to be genuine and have integrity. You'd think after having that hope dashed so many times that I'd have learned by now.

I think I'm closing myself down. For friendships, for potential partners. For most things. Which leaves me to fend for myself. And to potentially let myself down which, traditionally, I've been good at.

OK time for bed as that's taken 30 mins to vent. Interesting to write that down, as it didn't come out anything like the way I thought it would... and I've haven't even got it all off my chest.

It's a good job no-one reads this any more.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

So, six weeks passes and where have I been? I've been to London to see the Queen...

Well actually no. I'll be doing that in October. And, well not 'the' Queen, but probably several others. Holidays are well and truly over and in fact tomorrow is the start of Week 6 at school. I have my new kindy class - they'll never replace my first ever class of last year, but they are seemingly lovely so far. School's been keeping me occupied so not too much social stuff to report.

Been on a bit of a health kick. Gym twice a week this year to date, with a trainer. Am back running again, and have signed up for the half marathon in May. Doing a 14 week training program for that which is three weeks in. Am hoping to remain injury-free, though slightly worryingly my left foot is a bit sore. I'm hoping some new running shoes (bought yesterday) will help cushion it to recovery. A run later will give me a better idea.

Have also been eating incredibly well and that will continue - I gave up alcohol, caffeine, chocolate and sweets for February which was a good challenge. Had my first coffee today and am working hard whilst still buzzing!

More news from the front line as it happens. Not really doing anything for Mardi Gras - I need to get the school stuff sorted first. Oh, and the Human League are touring - best news for ages! :)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Just home from seeing Grace Jones live at the Enmore Theatre. I'm not really sure how best to describe it, but boy was it fantastic! She looked great; she sounded great; and the costumes changes were very cool. A new hat for each song - seemingly getting more outlandish by the moment. Best moment? The silver diamante bowler hat being lit by two huge green lasers for Love Is The Drug - sublime.

Strangest moment? Me hearing the opening chords to Slave To The Rhythm and bursting into tears. Still trying to work through that one right now. It's not a particular favourite, though I like it. Maybe it was memories of times gone by, or people and moments lost. Maybe it was just the thought that I never thought I'd hear it played live, in my forties, whilst living on the other side of the world from where I was born. Maybe I'm in more of a fragile emotional state than I thought. But for whatever reason, floods of tears. Fortunately for me it was so hot at the gig that it just looked as though I was wiping sweat from my brow.

A great but slightly surreal night. And that's without mentioning the fact that Grace hula-hooped all the way through Slave. No, really. F*cking marvellous!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The last mix seems to be going down well too, which is good to hear. A few people have commented on the mix between Lady Gaga and Boney M, which is interesting as I wasn't too sure about including the Boney M track from a kitsch perspective. Here's the full track listing, and the link again for anyone who would still like to download it. Since I did this I also discovered that Giorgio Moroder actually produced the Sparks track, but that's just a happy coicidence!

Giorgio Moroder – I Wanna Rock You
Morgan Page featuring Lissie – The Longest Road (Deadmau5 Vocal Remix)
Cicada – Falling Rockets (Original Mix)
The Human League – The Things That Dreams Are Made Of (Remix)
The Ting Tings – Fruit Machine (Bimbo Jones Remix)
The Presets – Yippyo-ay
Sparks – Beat The Clock
Kelly Osbourne – One Word (Chris Cox Club Mix)
Hot Chip – Ready For The Floor
Lady Gaga – Poker Face (Glam As You Club Mix)
Boney M Vs Sash – Ma Baker
MGMT – Kids (Soulwax Nite Version)
The Ian Carey Project – Get Shaky (Ian Carey Vocal Mix)
Moby – Disco Lies (Spencer And Hill Remix)

Click on the link; scroll down to download with the basic option; enter in the security code and the download will begin! Enjoy!

Monday, January 12, 2009

As my Facebook status says today: I'm a grumpy old Hector. Well I was earlier, and it hasn't got any better. Sometimes you see or read something that although isn't aimed at you, or even necessarily about you, it gets to you and affects your mood.

So tonight. A browsed remark has only made me more miserable and wallow-y. I had intended to get some stuff done tonight, but consequently I've done nothing. Eaten and drank. Ended up on a strange internet quest that I can't even remember where I started, but ended up with me spending a lot time reading about the Moomins and their author Tove Jansson. That brought back lots of childhood memories and only made me more sad.

Best to call it a night and head to bed. Tomorrow will be different.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Happy New Year. Again. And to keep you in that fun mood from a few nights ago, here is the latest mix from me. It was finally finished on NYE, so a lucky couple of people got a pre-release version for partying down, but this is now the definitive version. Enjoy everyone.

It's not dissimilar to the last one - mostly recent stuff mixed in with a few surprises... even a couple of songs from the 70s (with one of the artists producing the other one). Not sure how long this will take to download as it's about 100MB, but hopefully you'll think it worthwhile!

Click on the link; scroll down to download with the basic option; enter in the security code and the download will begin! Thanks for your patience...

Friday, January 02, 2009

Happy New Year to one and all. I hope 2009 bring everyone some of the things they would like. Not everything, coz then there'd be nothing left to wish for. :)

Dave is inbetween parties right now, and bringing the NY in in fine fashion. Huzzah!