Friday, September 27, 2002

Friday arvo and I'm in the most mischevious mood... lordy. Lock up your daddies. Currently trying to make myself look busy until 5pm, hence the little blog entry. Since Wednesday afternoon I've kind of been in the same frame of mind - rampant hedonism! Did the gym and met David as arranged. Beer. Dinner and wine. More beer. Met up with Rich who'd landed himself an impromptu promotion that day, so we did the Oxford, Stonewall, Shift run. Stumbled home and into bed and fell into a very drunken stupor. Yesterday was not big or clever. Well actually the hangover was quite big, and was only fixed with Panadol, turkish toast with Vegemite and intravenous latt├ęs. Binned the gym last night in favour of messing around on the PC, then went out for a walk as the night was completely and I was going balmy. Russ arrived back from Melbourne late with today off up his sleeve, so suddenly we were in the Oxford again. And then the Shift. And then for some reason Arq. Odd. Just downstairs open - drag shows a go-go. It was actually quite a laugh and before I knew it I was stumbling home around 3.30am. Oops.

Not sure the dentist would have appreciated the vodka breath this morning but hey, you get that. Into work feeling pretty good considering and here I remain - but with the most incredible urge to just go mental this weekend. Am looking forward to Bad Dog on Sunday - David Bassett's going too so it'll be quite a laugh. Actually looking forward to going out with Michael too - maybe I'm more ready to move on than I thought. Let's hope so. However, that's not until Sunday - there's tonight and tomorrow to get through first. And yes, it's weird that the party is on a Sunday 3-10pm. Though I can pretend I'm at the Vauxhall :o) Actually the Bad Dog parties are pretty good, though the music is somewhat eclectic. The highlight of the last one was the first track played after the DJ changeover - A Forest by The Cure. Hadn't heard that out in a club for yonks. In preparation I've been playing (on high rotation) Excursions by Felix Da Housecat - am currently obsessed with it. It's exactly the kind of music we'll hear Sunday - normally a bit harder than I'd go for, and not much singing opportunity, but boy has it got under my skin.

The minkering starts very soon... ;o)
It made me smile... Seen today on the train to work. A small sticker with small writing on it, stuck onto a train map. Up close it simply stated:

Please ignore this sticker

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Just picked up my final time for the 10K Bridge Run the other week - 46 minutes and 13 seconds. Very happy with that. Also came in the top 1000 out of over 6000+ people. Yay. Now I just have to find another race to sign up for...
Ay caramba!

I can honestly say we had a ball this weekend. Lots of fun indeed. It was great to get out of Sydney, if only for a weekend. It's the first time I've actually left the city since I arrived. Long overdue. Friday night I had a few beers with Garry - Beresford and Barracks and finally hit the sack around 1am, and seemed to just close my eyes for a nanosecond before the alarm went off at 5am! To Adrian's at 6am and cab to airport. Burger King brekky - yum. Fun flight down, what with camp old stewards and fun hostesses and them picking us out a mile off! Hit the Laird at about 9.30am and got Rich and Russ up and about. Brekky for a second time (this one at a more reasonable hour) with R&R, Tim and Ross and then just pottered, shopped, ate, had coffee etc. Perfect. The intention was to nap in the arvo but... you know how it is. Before we knew it we were in the bar having a beer or three! Got ready and hit Mat's place for pre-party beers (he was staying in a serviced apartment near the Cage). Little Tony & English Richard joined us there too and then we hit the party smack on 11pm as it opened. I really enjoyed the music - quite trancy so I was transported to the end of the Vauxhall :o) Managed to find a nice chunky Welsh man to snog so that was fun. We had a real laugh too all weekend - very carthartic. Oddly the Welsh man reminded me slightly of Michael - not intentionally - more in the way he danced and a slight look about the face. Fun. We left there just before 7am and headed to the recovery at 44. Oddly I had actually been there before when it was a trendy bar to drink in after work 3 years ago, so that was a bit surreal. We survived that until around11am when Adrian and I finally called it a day. Back to the Laird to sleep for 3 hours then up for a drink in the beer garden as there was a bear bbq on! The gang was all there again and we eventually got food before meeting up again in the bar later. Down to the Peel we went. Weird. The most bizarre mix of music. Eclectic doesn't do it justice. Stuff from years ago and odd/dance commercial stuff. We're talking Plastic Bertrand to New Order, EZ Posse to the Bangles, via Tight Fit/The Lion Sleeps Tonight and Katrina and the Waves! Having said that we had quite a laugh.

Finally home around 3am and sleep. Adrian and I had brekky with Tim and Ross on Monday and then arrived back in Sydney around 3.30pm. As still in party mode I managed to persuade someone off the internet to come over to my place... naughty but nice. Turned out he'd also been at Beyond and 44 and was keen to hook up too! :o)

Was a bit vague Tuesday. Managed to get through the day. Talked myself into going to Bad Dog after all on Sunday, for a few drinks and a dance. I've got to go somewhere where Michael is and deal with it, and better to get it over and done with there than at Sleaze. And I think I'll be OK. Michael very kindly detoured last night to pick me up a ticket in Newtown after I failed to get one after work in Oxford Street. I also failed to do the gym last night, but instead had dinner over at Rich's as Russ was still in Melbourne. Nice pasta and chats then home to speak to Michael. May even join him and Deano and Ian for pre-Bad Dog drinks. Brave or stupid? You decide. Tony's going too, so there's someone in support if things go horribly wrong!

Today's been a glorious day. Weather shot over 30C this arvo - shame I'm stuck in an office. Mind you I did sit out at lunch with my chicken, avocado and artichoke sandwich on turkish bread with apple and peach juice and just revel in the warmth. Oh, I still owe you the full peach juice story don't I? Soon...

Gym tonight and then dinner with David Bassett which will be fun - haven't caught up with him in eons. And Thursday tomorrow - don' t you just love short weeks??

Friday, September 20, 2002

Oh, and of course now the weekend is almost upon us, and I'm gagging for the most fantastic weekend, I've broken out in spots on my nose. Great. Don't you just love that?
I'm back to blogging once a day at the moment at least - and although it's mainly diary type stuff it's getting slowly back on track. Two things today, after the brief update on what's been going on:

Didn't get out of work early after all yesterday, which delayed me buying Adrian's extra pressie (the CD single of Pet Shop Boys and Peter Rauhofer's Break for Love). This in turn delayed me getting back and so I didn't go to the gym and felt guilty. Anyway, went over to R&R's and had wine and Adrian and (his) Michael turned up and he was suitable surprised for his birthday. Marvellous. Went and got takeaway curry and had that back at R&R's and then was going to go out but flagged. Home, watched the end of the Abyss and then fell into bed. Up and at 'em today. Sooooo ready for the weekend. About 75 more mins here then home, gym, haircut and a few quiet beers ready for tomorrow's 7.30am flight. Yippee!

OK, the other things. One's a kind of Michael thing. I'm still having real problems moving on from him, and it's hard to work out why. I guess when it was good it was pretty good - fun, relaxed, he is very sexy, etc. What concerns me is that I hung around knowing that he was (potentially) bad news and waited for him to fulfil that potential, which he did in spades. And having been shat upon from a great height, all I wanted to do was stick around and help him. What's that all about? As the time's moved on since I've been having good days and bad days. Intellectually I realise that it's not up to me to help him, and that he can only help himself etc.but emotionally I just want to sit him down and tell him so many things. Maybe it's just unanswered questions that I have about the time we spent together. I dunno. I will move on, given time, but it's so hard. I think I miss the possibilities more than Michael himself. It was all there - the almost perfect partner on paper... maybe it's not that difficult to see why I'm ruing so much. I just want him to do the same - but as he didn't really think about anyone but himself during those 10 weeks it's unlikely he'll start and do that now. Maybe one day he'll realise what might have been... though by then I'll be so far moved on and hopefully happy.

In other news... the second thing. I'm also slightly concerned that I'm trying to define myself in part through other people. Difficult one this one. I know I've done it before to a certain extent - met someone, lost myself in that person - or more truthfully lost myself in trying to be what I think that person wants me to be. Rather than be myself and letting the other person work with that, I try and second guess what/who they want me to be and then try and be that. Dangerous. I've done it to a lesser extent with friends over the years too, but I guess that's because I don't always have a great sense of self. It may come as a surprise to those people who see me out and about as it probably appears different to that, but appearances can so often be deceptive. I need to define who I am through my own actions - doing what I want to do because that's who I am, not doing stuff to please others, to appear different. I was brought up in an environment where no-one did stuff. No real passions. In fact my life was devoid of passion in pretty much any form or shape. Brief flirtations with it ended up in the throes of boredom, as my attention span as a very bright child meant nothing could keep me amused for long. Today's 'this is the best thing ever!' led to tomorrow's 'I don't want to do that anymore...'. The challenge had gone. The Pet Shop Boys have a song called 'Too Many People' which pretty much sums up how I feel sometimes. In essence it's about trying to be all things to all people rather than just being yourself. Maybe it's an insecurity thing - what if I am myself and people don't like it? Sometimes I'm feeling strong enough to say 'screw 'em', other times I'm a small child wondering if people will still want to play with me.

God, I'm rambling. This wasn't even what I started writing about! This second bit was meant to be about getting asthma as a child, hospital in Yugoslavia, peaches in jars and coffee with bread in it. I'll save that for after this weekend. Suffices to say I've no real answers yet. Work in progress. Watch this space.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Thursday luncheon time. I guess I must have lists today, as I'm not listless like yesterday. Came into work a little earlier today, so out of here by 4.45pm - yippee! Gym on the cards then surprising Adrian for his birthday tomorrow with a ticket to Sleaze and a CD. Yay. Gonna gym and then hit R&R's and then we're making our final arrangements for the weekend in Melbourne. I'm actually getting really excited now. Have no real idea of what the Beyond Party will be like in Melbourne, but suffices to say it's away from Sydney (and Michael) and the chance to go wild. Ohboyohboyohboy.

Left work at a reasonable time last night and bought tickets to Sleaze (for me and Adrian, see above), some food, contact lenses and tickets to Black, the men only party during the Gay Games, for me and Scally. It's party-tastic! Had food and vegged a while before starting to watch The Abyss on DVD. Anyone know where I can pick up an Ed Harris lookeelikee? Ended up too tired to finish the movie, so the end is in store for later tonight. It's not like I've not seen it before, but it's one of those movies (like Total Recall, Terminator 1&2, Alien(s) ² ³ whatever) that you can watch again and again and still feel good at the end of it. Well I can. Trashy but hey, I can be intellectual if the need arises too. Alternatively I might just go out for a beer - you never know!

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Wednesday afternoon just before lunch. Strange mood today. Listless. May go for walk to clear my head. Slight Michael fog. Wish I could get him out of my head more quickly than I am doing. Hey ho. My bedroom roof leaked again last night. Great. Waiting for the real estate guy to call me back. Went to the gym last night and then Rich and Russ had me over for dinner, bless 'em. More gym tonight and no real other plans save gym all week actually. Got a few things to buy and sort ready for the weekend away. Right. That was possibly the dullest entry on record. More later if I feel a little more inspired.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

It's Tuesday already. How did that happen? Good weekend, though I'm a bit stiff and sore at the moment... to find out why and where (and it's not what you think!) read on...

Friday night was good. Decided not to do the gym as I had the 10K race on Sunday. Instead went home and prepared dinner and left it cooking whilst I went and met Tony for a swift couple of drinks. We were joined briefly by Richard and Pete and eventually Rich came and we hit our place for dinner and the Matrix on DVD. I had every intention of going out for a couple more beers but after some red wine decided against it. Early-ish bed!

Up early Saturday morning and hit Fox Studios via GoGos for coffee. Picked up all my race pack and headed back home. Couldn't decide what to do and so went and bought new trainers which I'd been coveting for a week or so. Ended up having a slobby day - more coffee with Adrian and (his) Michael, Rich and Russ etc. and then was at a loose end come Saturday night. I was hanging to go out, knowing that I couldn't coz of the race. Ended up having pasta and watching Pleasantville on DVD - highly recommended. In bed before 11pm.

Woke around 5.25am and forced some brekky down and headed to North Sydney. Met up with Tony and Pete and before long we were waiting at the start of the 10K Bridge Run from North Sydney to Fox Studios over the Harbour Bridge. Fanastic day - not too warm at 7.30am. I was aiming for a time of between 50 and 55 minutes based on my time for the 14K City to Surf back in August. I was hoping I might break 50 mins. In the end I came in at around 46 minutes (official time still to come!) so very happy about that. Walked home with Pete and then Garry and I did brekky at Una's as I was starving. Pottered about a bit and finally met Tony and Pete for celebatory meal at Tropicana before heading down to the Green Park for the usual Sunday session. Fun night. Got very drunk in the end. We did the Palace and back to the GP and were joined at various time by the usual suspects. Finally bed around 10.30pm having resisted the urge to kick on with Rich and Russ.

Very sore legs yesterday and blistered ankle (though not from the race!). Night off from the gym and instead rang and chatted to Dad and then for ages to Karen. Lovely to speak to sis again.. it's been a while! Less sore today. Going to brave the gym tonight as only 4 more sleeps until Melbourne. Have a feeling there'll be stories to tell come Monday afternoon...

Friday, September 13, 2002

Friday lunchtime at work. Still madly busy, so here's a very quick update.

Wednesday night caught up with Michael for dinner, having worked myself into a lather by 8pm when he didn't call to confirm. I rang him and he'd forgotten! Great. Anyway we did catch up and it was OK, though a little forced. I think I'd benefit from not seeing him for a while and I think that'll happen as he's in Melbourne this weekend and then I am next weekend, so a chance to take stock.

Yesterday work went mad as previously described and so I didn't get home until almost 7pm. It wouldn't have done me any good to get home earlier anyway, having left my keys my jeans pocket on the floor of my bedroom - doh! Forced myself to the gym and then came home and ate and played on the net until bed. Rich is coming over to dinner tonight as Russ has to work until 10pm and that's about the extent of the weekend plans to date. What else was I going to blog the other morning? Ah yes... a couple of throw away things.

When I log into my PC at work, it comes up with the message 'Reading tree information'. I half expect it to come back and say that I'm out of mine.

Electronic music - good for the brain when it's in over-analytical mode. Well it works for me - the more white noise the better. Sometimes. To that end I bought the Bomfunk MC's album In Stereo. It's perfect for letting your ears be assaulted. I was always a fan of Freestyler - I used to groove around the offices at Chrysalis doing very strange dances to it, much to the amusement of Amanda in particular I seem to remember. Anyway, suffices to say it's great - if you break it down it's kind of awful, but at the same time it works. Anyway - it'll be staying on my discman a while...

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Doh. Had lots of things to blog from work today and then the day went and got busy and that was that. Time for bed now - well in a minute. Just catching up with old flatmate Nick in Bangkok - finally! It's nice to chat again, even if it is only online. I'm plotting a long weekend there after my flight concessions kick in mid November :o)

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Wednesday afternoon at work. About to go for a walk up to Mascot - the nearest town from work. It's not ideally placed for much round here to be honest, and I kind of wish I worked in the city so I could catch up with mates for lunch. Never mind.

Slept very badly again last night. Not sure what's going on - maybe just me settling down after all that's been going on. Up for Liz the personal trainer and at the gym by 7am this morning and am a little achy it has to be said! Decided to bin Mascot and so must munching on a tuna sarnie. Beautiful day outside again. Trying to work out ways of doing something that's a good use of time at lunchtime. There's no real gym or stuff. Hmm - any suggestions anyone?

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

OK, so I started this once and then managed to turn my keyboard Chinese or something and ended up deleting everything! Not recommended. In short, as it's late and I need some sleep:

Felt better Friday after dinner at R 'n' R's. To Beresford and then Barracks and then home at 2am. Sleep.
Up 10am Saturday to watch Video Hits and have brekky. Decided to finally take a nice walk down to Broadway to do some shopping as it was warm and sunny and that's about 25 minutes walk. Big mistake. Having time alone suddenly brought all the Michael stuff on again and so I ended up buying nothing and coming back here. Met Adrian and (his) Michael and Rich and Russ for coffee and felt much better. Home, changed, dinner and then watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on DVD bought after coffee in a moment of need. Fantastic. Set me up for the night! To R 'n' R's and then down to the Shift for the Ruby Party. It was very busy and the music quite trance-y and before long all thoughts of Michael were gone as I danced the night away surrounded by lots of sexy men. Actually the crowd was a good mix and we had a good time. Finally, around about 7am it all ended and off we went back to R 'n' R's to shower and change before going to Allan and Ian's. Naturally we'd turned down an orgy invitation by this time. No, really. With a big strapping hairy American couple. (Don't ask me why we said no!)

We arrived at the party around 9am with a bottle of gin and the desire to carry on minkering. Oh, and boy did we. We just listened to music and chatted and recovered. People came and went, Michael phoned which was something, and finally we decided to make a move and hit the Palace and then the Green Park. Rich went home, me and Russ had a beer in each but I was very tired at this point having not slept. And it being 8.30pm! Spoke to Michael for a little while. Home. Finally. Decided to call Michael, but he was falling asleep and I was tired and emotional, so not the best of moves. Asleep by 9.45am.

And awake through the night, mind racing. Got up about 3.30am and played on the net. Finally into work as normal, very tired. Somehow got through Monday not feeling too bad. Home. Forced myself to go to the gym. Home, food, called Michael to apologise for giving him a hard time the night before. The usual stuff really! Net. Bed. 1am. Awake by 4am. Tired today.

Into work and had a review sprung on me. I'm glad I did!! It would appear that Qantas is very happy with me so far. I started on a Level 6 job with the potential to progress up to Level 9 in a rough given timescale of around 18 months - roughly 6 months at each level. However I've been re-graded staight to a Level 8 after 3½ months. Go Davie! Very happy with that and the extra money it'll give me. Spent the rest of the day very happy indeed. Remarkable. Home and to the gym to run (7½K in preparation for Sunday's 10K Fun Run). Back here and then to R 'n' R's for dinner and chats and tea and chocolate. Marvellous. Home. And time for bed.

Friday, September 06, 2002

Friday afternoon and I'm having a bad day. Just the whole Michael thing. It'll pass. Managed to speak to sister Sue and niece Julia today for the first time in ages. I woke early and so managed to catch them before bed. Nice to speak to them both. Jules seems fine, and Sue - consdering she's been through much more than I have of late - seems to be coping OK too. Fingers crossed for the flat purchase to go through unhindered...

Not really looking forward to the weekend, as it's going to be the first one in about 10 that's not been with Michael. What did I ever used to do before?? Tonight I'm going to have coffee with Phil post-gym, before going to Rich and Russ's for pasta. Probably head down to the Beresford for a beer or two. Actually did that last night with Martin and Garry. It just reminded me how vile the scene can be. Think that's maybe partly to blame for the mood today - I really don't want to have to hang around smoky bars full of nasty queens. Tomorrow - no plans. Might go clothes shopping as I desperately need to, then tomorrow night it's Pank's party; the Ruby Party at the Shift and then recovery at Allan and Ian's. Probably tip up at the Palace/Green Park on Sunday afternoon. Sounds in theory like quite a nice weekend. Only problem is, when you've just stopped seeing someone, you acquire the Klingon Cloaking Device. You know - you go out to bars/clubs and see nice looking men to whom you are completely invisible. What is it with that? Can anyone explain? (Actually maybe I should change that to the Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak so that I appear a little more au courant!)

Thursday, September 05, 2002

And after all, things could be much worse...
It's amazing. No matter how badly things seem, nor how badly people (or should that be one certain person) has treated you of late, things seem so much better when the sun is shining. Today and yesterday have been glorious spring days - warm and bright from early on, nice breeze, balmy evenings... the whole thing's got an estival feel to it. I guess that's one of the reasons why I moved here (for the weather, not to be treated badly).

Great news is that Jason Harding is going to be here for a weekend soon too (mid-October). And then Scally soon after. Yay for visitors from home! (Though technically Jason is Australian, so he's hardly a visitor. This is home for him. All clear??)

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Today’s theme (and probably this month too actually) is out with the old, and in with the new.

Out goes Michael, weekends in Erskineville and wondering if he’s a nice bloke (he’s not). In comes more gym, healthy eating and proper catch ups with friends rather than the snatched phone calls and hellos of recent (Michael based) weeks.

I tried to talk to Michael last weekend to no avail. Tried this week but due to various commitments we could only do Friday and he’d had such a big day I left it. We agreed to talk Sunday. However, after ignoring me for most of Saturday night it was obvious he was going to go home with someone else – so we had a few words and I left the club. I then went on to Arq, various other places and finally arrived home at 2.30pm. Joy. Spoke to Michael briefly Sunday and he dropped some of my stuff off and picked up his jacket. We ended up at the same pub Sunday night, and much as I want to I can’t hate him. Problem is, I want to help him change – which isn’t healthy. Nor does he want to (well I think he kind of does, but not now so there’s no point trying to make him think of anyone else other than himself). Anyway, I’ve left things with him. If he wants to try and be a mate then he’s got to make one hell of an effort. We’ll see if he’s prepared to. Otherwise if he continues to treat people this way he’s going to end up old and lonely. I did everything I could and that’s why I’m (so far) relatively OK about it. It’s a shame. I think there’s the potential for a nice bloke underneath it all, but he’s not prepared to make any effort to free him. Onwards and upwards.

Had nice dinners with Phil and Adrian last week, and even the weekend wasn’t too bad – a mate’s 40th birthday party on the weekend prior to the Michael debacle and a few drinks Sunday. Made the gym 7am yesterday and intend to go again before dinner with Tony tonight. There’s a Ruby party at the Shift Saturday night and so I’m probably going to end up there, and Allan from work is having a house party recovery on Sunday straight afterwards so that should be good. Haven’t been to a decent house recovery in ages.

OK – that’s it for the time being. I’m sure there’ll be more soon!