I really should be asleep. Almost 11pm Sunday night - and school beckons in the morning.
Thing is, I'm in such a foul mood I can hardly bring myself to even bother to sleep. Actually no. Foul mood isn't right. I just don't care about much at the moment. Not school. Not having a social life. Least of all, me.
Work seems like a real chore and is hard. It feels like it's stopping me doing social stuff. I feel guilty if I don't do school work, so I stay in and resent staying in. And then don't do half the stuff I'd planned.
At the same time as resenting staying in, I don't really want to go out. I'm finding social interaction hard and shying away from it, and then bemoaning the fact my social circle is non-existent.
I'm still obsessing about and over-analysing things I cannot currently change.
Thank god for diet and exercise. At least there's something I can focus on and achieve right now (OK so I'm caring for me a little).
Since leaving school on Friday I've had two phone conversations. One briefly to say I wasn't going out and the other with my Dad, who called. I've seen one friend (well tennis partner rather than friend to be completely honest), to play tennis on Saturday night (when everyone else was getting ready for Mardi Gras). I had one text message (a general one asking for Toybox tickets); two Facebook conversations and a brief MSN conversation with my niece.
It's bad enough I have little non work related adult conversation through most of the week, but it seems like the weekends are becoming the same. I have no-one I can let off steam to, or even really just share what's happened on a daily basis. I have no partner; no flatmate and a seemingly dwindling number of close friends - most of whom are either partnered, becoming partnered or just becoming more distant (probably because of my social withdrawal). The number of close friends in Sydney? If I'm completely honest? 3. The number of really close friends in Sydney? 1.
I know a lot of that has been my steady distancing of people over time, whilst I've been involved with partners (and to be honest so have they). During the summer holidays I met some people out and about that I thought might become good friends. Turns out they were like most people that you meet out and about - they take from you on the night and the giving back part never seems to materialise. I wonder sometimes how I can still be so naive and foolish at the age of almost 44.
The thing is though, I've never lost that hope. That people will turn out to be genuine and have integrity. You'd think after having that hope dashed so many times that I'd have learned by now.
I think I'm closing myself down. For friendships, for potential partners. For most things. Which leaves me to fend for myself. And to potentially let myself down which, traditionally, I've been good at.
OK time for bed as that's taken 30 mins to vent. Interesting to write that down, as it didn't come out anything like the way I thought it would... and I've haven't even got it all off my chest.
It's a good job no-one reads this any more.